I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
