Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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