mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
