Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
