I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
