Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
