mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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