If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
