worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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