so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
