Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
