Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
