I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
birth control should be required to get into college
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
