I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
