next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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