my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
