Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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