My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
