Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
