Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
