smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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