Don't make out with my wife yet
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
