i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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