Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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