my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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