She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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