so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Everything about him screamed your future.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
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You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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