I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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