I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I think people are normalizing furries
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
