had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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