Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
