We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize