Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
