So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
