I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
