I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
