Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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