Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
