between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
