Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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