He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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