my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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