i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
