if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
