i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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