as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
