I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
