went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
