Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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