i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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