We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
