Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
