I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
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I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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