i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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