Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
