my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
