Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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