i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
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rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
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we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
God, I missed his penis.
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