R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
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ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
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