You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
